Feng Shui

Feng Shui.

Love no more!!!

Sometimes all people deserve from you, are the memories. Story left untold to the flames. Threw the book in the fireplace. Drugs in my veins. Subside the pain. Kitchen addiction. Found our love slain. Grey matter. White walls. Wine ceilings. Whine about all your feelings. Scream scream scream. Bitch bitch bitch. Ear drums bleed. Tired loves curse. hurtful words. Karmic verse. Do unto others…… Quotes rehearsed. Out the door. Love No more. ~QSS

Reflector

October 30,2012

I got asked today.. “What career path do you want for the rest of your life?” My answer is always that I don’t want to have to work for anyone. I want my art to be my work. Make me prosperous from my own gifts.
It makes me sad many times that a person/artist such as myself always has to struggle the most but has the most abilities to be successful. Art is more the gift that is not seen & always taken for granted. Why?

I question where I will be in the next day, next week, month & year. Wanting to Do so much & to go so many places. But wanting to get to those places without them being because of bad circumstances. I definitely don’t feel like I’m living my life, & it’s weird because everyone thinks someone so talented, is living a great life.
I don’t have much to Show for what these hands can produce. What sucks is having to depend solely on someone else to get roots to grow in my pockets. What seeds are nurturing my path for growth? I try to put faith in people who claim they’re interested in supporting my art, and always end with those letdowns.

People offer me better opportunities but I always reject the possible chance just because I think of those who hurt my pride & spirit because they wanted to help, more to benefit themselves. And I was blind to that, until I was the let down & had to find a way out, find a place to shelter my body. Of course I want the best for myself. I want a happy beginning, & peaceful ending, but at what cost? I wang to trust. Want to be able to lay down & breathe in sleep & love as I close my eyes to feeling alive with my goals & dreams intact. Even have love for someone else as I love myself.

Yes it’s hard to trust anybody & I’m not ashamed to say that that is a protective flaw that I hold in my heart. Intuitions form so vividly within my mind. I can just read negative energy even when it’s nowhere near.

Positivity reigns in my smile but I still have to keep some sort of shield to protect my sanity. I get stressed out to the point that my thought feel suicidal sometimes but my love did myself erased that disgust. Yet I still question my worth and how long will I have to endure this cycle that has been killing me slowly since 2008.
I need a break from these hard times. This is not what growth & experience is supposed to be about.
I can’t even cry about it.

The fact that I’ve grown used to this struggle is so devastating because it forces me to know that at some point, i could be back down to rock bottom. Why can’t my mind breathe & actually feel like there may be a calm ending to this madness.

When will it end? Or will it end with me? I hope I’m not first. But sometimes I feel like that’s the only nearing relief.

-TJW

The Circle Monologue

He was Mr. 2012. Young Forever.. My mutual commitment to the relationship. Priceless Ring of Always & Forever engraved in our hearts. We did things the right way. He knew me inside & out & he knew how to deal with a female like me. He wore the crown. Mutual actions & love for each other at the same time. Travel meant nothing but more time for us. Family loves me & I love them. Sitting in at that wedding, I thought about us, just as Mom & little Sis did & we laughed about it. We were poets inside our own Hollywood Divorce. He shared my world. We beat the distance. Competitive & the right amount of aggression, we knew how to give each other space. Gave all of ourselves, made home, home. Conquered issues most couldn’t from previous relationships. We could pray together & await a world greater for ourselves & he helped me emotionally even when he couldn’t be. Everyone awaited our wedding. Our friends were in a close knit family even before He & I began. We fit together like the last 2 pieces of loves 50,000 puzzle. But our communication fell silent out of anger when it needed to scream loudly. I was so mad, he didn’t get a shot for a 2nd chance he deserved. Outkasts. I finally started to forgive myself. We’re still family & friends.

 

He was video games, guitar playing, Mr. High off life & herbs. Never spoke in class but watched silently all year long. Mutual unspoken words & coolness & that could have been all. Text messages & facebook conversations. Was younger than me, and in the end, that’s exactly how he acted. But he was the cool that I needed at the time. Gave him all I could give essentially. Written poetry & Painted pictures of Rastafarian hearts across the canvas. Had my entire heart wide open & in the end, shattered it like the broken urn of my heartbeats ashes. Mixed communication from the start of what was not Love to him, even though he said it, but lied and it was only Lust. Same with the girl who still had his heart. Sublime. Took a long time, but I think I forgave him. We’re still friends.

 

He was a lying immature man….. But I was open. Goofball & fun with all the same crowd of friends. Giving 2nd chances more than twice called for. We, me & his brother went way back, but not that far. Just cool kids enjoying life. I could’ve never been his wife but we were two cool ass “more than friends”. And more than friends, he got too close to his other friends. I pushed myself from his cheating ass. But he kept coming back with broken promises that taught me not to trust. Kept apologizing & asking if he could do more. To give me more communication & make up for the pain. The final answer. NO. He helped me set that standard. Never forgiven. We’re not friends.

 

SHE was beauty, brains, body, elegance, & intelligence. African Queen like me, & she was…. A sight to see. Campus events & a shy way to catch my eye, but indeed she did as she put my number in her pink phone, If I can remember correctly. We emailed poetry back & forth & she captivated me with her French words & the way she could moved. Lips like mine & the kisses were sweet. A bit of jealousy with My bff who I already called Wifey because she wanted the title. But she did become my woman sure enough as soon as I was willing to love her that much.. And she too held a huge secret from me for a few months that I hadn’t seen her & it angered me much. A beautiful belly engulfed a beautiful baby girl I wanted to protect as my own. Then a proposal in front of me that made my heart sink. She’s had her beautiful ways of silently hurting me inside. After some trying times, she was forgiven. Communication steady at times. Our bond stronger & we share a small, yet strong collective of family. She will always be my friend.

 

This man was the growth I needed. Mr. I’m a grown ass man & I can show you how a WOMAN is supposed to be treated. He was the “this time is the last time” mentality. Sexy, baldhead, motorcycle riding, father & friend. Sweet hearted. Great friend to everyone. More than 10 years older than me & much more stable with his own life. As I was getting my own life on a great track. He supported me without giving too much leadway. Afternoon joy rides turned into late night of talking & falling asleep on each others shoulder. He knew what he was ready for & we respected our personal lives. “Treat each other the way you want to be treated” & we did just that. We had a lil Love Jones for each other & some people could see it. Routine down. The brothers joked around but protected me about age differences but saw what comfort we had. It was just that, too comfortable. We just mutually went our separate ways with a bit of pain to show for it. Communication was great, now not at all. We started as friends, ended the same way.

 

He was smooth with his words. Tall & handsome but he was NOT dark. Tried for something ‘different”. Made all the right moves. Said he’d do anything for me, & he did. We had fun & talked some. Lived far but he could find me by just looking at the stars. Though between those stars, were his dark secrets. Things I wasn’t prepared for when we got closer. Play fighting turned into real fights & emotional clashes. Mental issues I could not help him solve. I tried my best to support him but couldn’t help him, could only protect me from the madness inside his mind & my own tragedies. His family was cool though. No warnings to anyone about the guy he really was. No money, no love, no feelings, could hide that disrespect from anger in a fight, that his communication chose, to call me a Bitch. I left everything & was Gone. For a second we were, but who knows if we’re still friends.

 

He was Mr. Baltimore, Pisces to my Pisces. King Neptune to me, Aphrodite. The musician to my poetry & his lyrics complimented me & I supported him. Could have been the one cause his heart & everything was the same as mine. Never see each other but spiritually felt the physical emotions we had. He was the tattooed, Yin to my Yang & no one from our circles needed to know, but most of his family knew. We had us, wrapped tight for safe keeping. He knew my spirit and my heart. Same struggles, moving, troubles & deceit from the outside world. We inspired & encouraged each other to do & be better in life & our crafts. I would give as he gave. But distance never brought us close. We could never be or give all of ourselves. Communication fell short & ceased within impatient urges to be together created anger. Never really had a chance like we thought. He’s still MY friend.

 

He was some kind of a thug. He had a heart though after I got to know him. He chose wisely & made right decisions on his own time. Never cared about his flaws. We hung out, laughed, got high & listened to music. Enjoyed life for what it was, got crazy & sometimes we argued like idiots. He loved my attitude & knew how to fight back with aggression. He enjoyed how I expressed myself through poetry, still to this day. Was never into extravagant things & just lived life as he wanted. I had a different kinda cool ass love for him. I was his ride-or-die & He had his way of words with me…. Same way he did with another Baltimore girl. He thought his words would keep a sista around but trust was gone after his own broken promises & excuses. He wasn’t ready, though he said he was & had 2 chicks set in his spider web & we had to confront him. I fought my way out. He was forgiven. He’s still a supporter. Communication cool cause he’s a sweetheart when he can be & we still talk shit to each other & have great conversations about life that is now. We’re still family & friends.

 

She is Mrs. Ready to Love. Always ready to love and live. Mrs. Willing to try anything once But never settling to have to change for someone not willing to love or give love back to her at the same time. She was once a broken female just ready to give love to whomever would tolerate it. But she’s learned what tolerating can get her. We talk daily & compare what good life could have been if we loved ourselves first. Aggressive in her pursuit of happiness, hoping that being happy alone is not the only way. Empty heart, broken promises, shattered dreams, hurtful lies, untold future, painful truths & a yearning to give back the love she openly gave to most. But she never regrets the choices she made. Always tried to make the next her last but forgetting that last doesn’t always end the same. And last doesn’t make the end a 1st place prize to be received. She is a Queen who knows her worth & shouldn’t be hurt in any relationship because she loves hard. But knowing hard is no enough to love because she still gets hurt by those she give her heart to. Now she asks herself, what is love & how much of it is real. She doesn’t believe is “actions speak louder than words” anymore because if actions speak truth but words hold lies, there is still no trust to account for either to work together. She is, a woman standing on the unsteady edge of love & life & what will make her happy when no one else, internally could. Our communication is very silent & I still talk to her in my mind. My only true friend.

 

He was looked at as Mr. Right. Supposed to be & hoped for. He was a good man that never showed me his flaws. He was a slick talker, “let us be friends & maybe something more one day because I like to flirt”. I did see the appearance of someone just like me.. Poetically inclined, musically tuned & certainly fine. “07” took 5 years & then there we were. Finally! Last one I said I would ever give a ring to because I’m done looking for love & being hurt or wrong. But you can’t predict the future. Ladies man with a lot about US hidden. Mr. Social butterfly in the limelight, when the opposite of me wants quiet & most times he cant understand that. Wandering ways, always wanting to do for others but I had to open his eyes for the good of himself. Things started off “too good to be true”. I thought they did but TIME painted the bigger picture. I gave all of me when I knew & felt it was right. He took all of me & I had to wait so he could pilot his own “let me be prepared for love” flight. Its hard to forgive possible Mr. Right when he didn’t see me as Mrs. Right when the time was right. And yet, as much as it kills me, I let him have his way & we fight over Anything & Everything without compromise cause I loved him so hard. But he wasn’t ready. That hurts the most. Communication sucks & I yet still love him, still linger in my thoughts of “what now & what will be”…

Now he’s flying south of the border where he’ll be comfortable & I’m steady North on my “Space-intoxicated, always alone, waiting & wanting to be loved & in love the right way at the right time kind of life.”  What are the chances…. Of our relationship he once called “friends”….

The Circle Continues.

Here’s to you!!

4/11/11

Here’s to you kid!

Here’s to you, embryo of the drunken mother & smoked out father.

Here’s to you, seed conceived in this world left ignorant to its gifts.

Here’s to you, for being birthed to begin life as a slave to Earth.
Not even born yet but just know, you will be in this struggle.
LIFE!

Here’s to you, growing stronger & weaker in your survival tunnel of a bruised & beaten mother of domestic violence.

Here’s to your 5 fingers & 5 toes on each hand & foot, like the older siblings not taught how to write.

Here’s to your developing brain & the father who dropped out to bang in the streets & sell cocaine.

Here’s to you, your eyes; may they get to see the light of day.
In the darkness of your mothers womb.
A hostage to her heart & his fist.

Here’s to you, not knowing how to pray but there are angels for you.
Protecting you against your life.
Born into a world of ignorance.
Some call it hell.

So here’s to you kid,
May you bring a new justice & understanding to the life that came before your time.

Before you were even born.

Cheers.

-QSS.

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