Reflector

October 30,2012

I got asked today.. “What career path do you want for the rest of your life?” My answer is always that I don’t want to have to work for anyone. I want my art to be my work. Make me prosperous from my own gifts.
It makes me sad many times that a person/artist such as myself always has to struggle the most but has the most abilities to be successful. Art is more the gift that is not seen & always taken for granted. Why?

I question where I will be in the next day, next week, month & year. Wanting to Do so much & to go so many places. But wanting to get to those places without them being because of bad circumstances. I definitely don’t feel like I’m living my life, & it’s weird because everyone thinks someone so talented, is living a great life.
I don’t have much to Show for what these hands can produce. What sucks is having to depend solely on someone else to get roots to grow in my pockets. What seeds are nurturing my path for growth? I try to put faith in people who claim they’re interested in supporting my art, and always end with those letdowns.

People offer me better opportunities but I always reject the possible chance just because I think of those who hurt my pride & spirit because they wanted to help, more to benefit themselves. And I was blind to that, until I was the let down & had to find a way out, find a place to shelter my body. Of course I want the best for myself. I want a happy beginning, & peaceful ending, but at what cost? I wang to trust. Want to be able to lay down & breathe in sleep & love as I close my eyes to feeling alive with my goals & dreams intact. Even have love for someone else as I love myself.

Yes it’s hard to trust anybody & I’m not ashamed to say that that is a protective flaw that I hold in my heart. Intuitions form so vividly within my mind. I can just read negative energy even when it’s nowhere near.

Positivity reigns in my smile but I still have to keep some sort of shield to protect my sanity. I get stressed out to the point that my thought feel suicidal sometimes but my love did myself erased that disgust. Yet I still question my worth and how long will I have to endure this cycle that has been killing me slowly since 2008.
I need a break from these hard times. This is not what growth & experience is supposed to be about.
I can’t even cry about it.

The fact that I’ve grown used to this struggle is so devastating because it forces me to know that at some point, i could be back down to rock bottom. Why can’t my mind breathe & actually feel like there may be a calm ending to this madness.

When will it end? Or will it end with me? I hope I’m not first. But sometimes I feel like that’s the only nearing relief.

-TJW

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DIMM

DIMM

I lie awake with thoughts from last night.
Constant visual replay of the sounds he made.
Those words we shared & the forceful way he commanded me.
Back into his room, my hands grazed the dark walls as his hands grazed mine.
Lights still off.
I can still remember that feeling of empty space as he told me to wait there.
Eyes closed i waited, I couldn’t hear anything.
My heart started to race & breathing escalated as minutes passed.
He stood there, in front of me, listening to my breathing.
I felt him reaching for my hands, as he placed them on the gift from god created to make him such a man.
He told me that he wanted a moment of silence, in peace & quiet to hear me softly breathing because he had many plans to have me lose my air within the next hour or more.
Feeling on the hard imprint in his pants & those words he just spoke to me.
I nearly lost my breath in that instance.
I started to bite my lip & took a few deep breaths to recollect myself.
I knew I was in for something this time.
I was ready to jump on him & force ourselves to his bed.
He gently grabbed my arms, pulled me closer to his body.
I could feel the warm air illuminating from his skin.
He kissed my forehead softly.
Felt hands caressing my face as he tilted my head to kiss me.
Lips soft & moist like mine.
That embrace that makes my legs weak, makes my pussy throb with persistence.
Slowly and surely I was ready for him to kidnap my body & make love to my body.
Surely times escaped me as we kissed for minutes past.
Body getting weak, I am growing moist between my legs.
Hands wrapped around each other, i slide my hands underneath his shirt.
The strength in his back, I imagined replacing & sharing ourselves in eternity.
Flesh for flesh, vertibrae for vertibrae.
He could have mine as his own.
I whispered his name, feeling as though I had just sung a full concert in his praise.
I would write a million songs for each emotion I felt for him.
He pulled his lips from my own, picked me up in his arms, walked us to his bathroom door.
He told me to keep my eyes closed & ears open.
I heard the door open & could hear the splashing of water in the shower.
I smelled the air filled with fragrances from incense & fresh water mixed with the scent of his cologne.
Soft music playing in the background, he lowered me down on his sink countertop.
Another deep kiss & my breath is taken yet again.
I follow directions as I keep my eyes closed… He tells me to open my mouth.
Hesitant, I do. Black cherries, my favorite fruit.
He knows me well.
Suddenly I smell the sweet familiar & I smile.
My favorite wine yet again, I am given a taste.
Cupcake.
Better than at dinner, with thoughts of having all of him for dessert.
He lifts my leg &slides off my heels one at a time.
I feel his hands caress my legs up to my waist.
He does not go under my skirt but he slowly lifts me with one arm & uses the other hand to gently pull my skirt off.
My heart is racing & smiling.
He chuckles as he sees that I’ve had a surprise of my own in not wearing anything beneath my skirt.
He feeds me more cherries in his process of enticing my senses.
Warm hands touch my smooth legs as I reach for his body.
I whisper to him that I wanted to kiss every part of his spirit.
He kisses me, comes extremely close to me & I can feel that imprint in his pants yet again.
It makes shivers ride my spine & I get goosebumps.
I crave him so badly.
I hear John Legend “tonight” start playing in the background as I feel him back away from me.
I imagined that he is watching me from a distance, but I couldn’t tell if there were lights on for him to see this vision that is me.
He hands me the glass of wine but I’m only wanting his body to intoxicate me.
I sip, then suddenly I feel him kissing my thighs & his locks are swaying across my skin.
I feel my blood racing & I try to keep my composure as his tongue licks silk & tattoos towards my own slice of fruit that he loves to taste.
He teases me as my breathing grows stronger.
I’m sure he has grown stronger and I want to feel, but he spreads my legs wider on his counter.
He pulls me closer to him, tells me to relax & lean back while he reaches the center of my existence.
He kisses my other set of lips softly as I am entering one realm of exstacy in his world.
Erykah Badu plays “other side of the game”
She seduces my ears as I try to listen while he serenades my body.
I am wet!
Waters wanting to flow as he quinches his thirst within me.
His tongue is creating waves inside my ocean & my breathing is building as we are creating some kind of love hurricane.
Feeling so good inside me, I forget I am holding wine in my hands & almost drop the glass.
He is eating his way to the core of me & I am losing my mind.
Gasping & caressing his head between my legs.
Pussy throbbing & on the edge of first orgasm, I try to pull away from him.
He never allows me to run, pulls me closer to his face & eats me out deeper & more complete.
Legs tingling & starting to shake effortlessly.
He hums a sweet tune while he feasts himself of me.
Countless times I’ve whispered his name & growing louder by the minute.
I want to scream his name but I imagine how many times I will before the night is over.
This man is on a mission.
I am beyond my point of pleasure & I’m yearning to feel more than just his tongue inside of me.
D’angelo “untitled”
I definitely can explain how it feels.
I tell him I want him inside of me.
He sucks the juices from my fruit slightly forcefully, I almost lose control completely.
My body has created moans that only he can force out of me.
Suddenly he stops, me losing my breath.
He comes up to embrace me with a wet kiss & I taste the joys of what he has devoured inside of me.
I hold him close & begin to undo the buttons of his shirt.
Legs caressing his, he presses himself against my vagina.
He is ready for me, as I have been for him.
I smile inside, eyes still closed.
Shirt unbuttoned, I feel his skin & kiss on him from ear to chest, licking on his collarbone.
He pleases me & I can’t wait to return the favor with my own skills.
I slide his shirt off his shoulders & it falls to the floor.
I begin to feel for his pants as we are still connecting lips.
I quickly unlatched his belt, unbutton his pants & release the zipper teeth from their integrated grips.
I push him from me, ask if i could finally open my eyes.
He says yes.
I do, & finally seeing his beautiful skin is like viewing him for the first time all over again.
He watches me watching him, breathing calm but strong.
I tell him to take his pants off.
As he does, he sees me, I see him, a work of art.
Maxwell, “this woman’s work”……. He is mine.
Standing in front of me, ready to give me all of him & me ready to take all that he has to offer.
So infatuated with his sexiness & so deeply in love with every part of his spirit.
He comes close & holds me.
Lifting me from the sink, I wrap my legs around his body.
Bodies warm with each other, I want to smell his scent all over me.
Kissing his neck, he moans as he walks us back to the dark bedroom.
He places me on his bed as he goes to put flame to a few candles.
I get up from the bed & plan my own counterattack of pleasure.
As he walks back to the bed for me, I am waiting, standing on the edge.
He meets me, giving me a kiss as I am working my hands to slide his boxers off.
Music so dimm behind the bathroom walls that the songs are as unrecognizable.
My attention goes back to him.
I push his towards the bed to lay down.
Me, climbing on top of him, he takes my shirt off, then my bra.
I watch him.
His eyes following the path that his hands are making on my skin as he’s feeling on my breasts.
Strong hands of a strong man caring for the body of a strong woman in her own nature.
We are beautiful together.
I lean to kiss him.
Lips, neck, chest.
Working my way down his body from abs, past his hard dick, further to his thighs.
Taking a minute to focus on massaging his strong legs because I know they will be putting in work overtime tonight.
He grabs a pillow for his head, relaxes his body as I take my time to begin to please him.
Working my hands over his body, I let them find their way back up to his waist.
I lean forward & kiss his strength, softly & firm.
I want to taste every inch of him.
Lips caressing his shaft & tongue massaging every throbbing vein.
I enjoy the feelings of his penis pulsating with the movement of my tongue.
The natural taste of him, his skin & his fluidity as I give him pleasures that actually turns me on.
As if I was home alone giving myself pleasure.
Listening to his breathing grow stronger & body start to tense up, I work his dick faster with my mouth.
Saliva keeping that moist feeling as if he was inside my wet pussy.
Mmmmm…..
I suck his dick until he’s harder in my mouth to the point that I can feel he may want to cum.
Whispering my name & gripping my locks as he thrusts himself deeper down my throat.
I take him all in my mouth.
Five star Foreplay that could create three hours of pleasure & sex that us two lovers are building unity as one love.
Loving the taste & I do not let him reach his breaking point.
I release him from my mouth, crawl forward to kiss him.
Reaching inside his side table drawer, I moan as he has gotten up & began to kiss the dip in my back.
From right ass cheek to the left.
He bites gently.
Then heads back down to tasting my wetness, upside down, from the back.
Makes me want to go crazy cause it feels so good.
I grab a condom & slide it down the bed by him because I know we both are ready.
I can’t wait anymore.
Ready to feel his long hard dick rubbing & pushing in me.
He puts on our protection from having children witness this explicit love session.
Multitasking while not needing to use hands to continuously get me wetter & wetter with his mouth.
He gets up & me still in the crawling position, hands & knees with him behind me.
Moments that have built up to this now arriving point in time.
We are breathing heavy but steady.
Bodies calling each other, he feels my pussy then licks his fingers.
He begins to slide himself inside me.
Throbbing tight muscles, wetness all around, he gets in with ease.
Both enjoying that warm feeling that simply having tongues could not satisfy.
He slowly thrusts his body with mine & my body is enjoying how his big dick makes my pussy feel.
Our motions together creating hard splashing waves in our ocean of love.
I escape into some new dimension of exstacy while he begins crashing into my walls.
Faster and harder he starts to go.
I start to call his name.
Soft, then louder & louder & louder.
I grip the sheets forcefully as he grabs me tightly by my waist.
My body starts shaking, first quivering then more violently.

I am waken up by him……
He looks at me strangely, then he starts to laugh with a sneaky grin.
Seems I had fallen asleep after I started reliving the adventure we had last night.
I lay there thinking……

And I can still taste his Dick In My Mouth.

-QueenSoulSista TJW©
September 23, 2012

The Circle Monologue

He was Mr. 2012. Young Forever.. My mutual commitment to the relationship. Priceless Ring of Always & Forever engraved in our hearts. We did things the right way. He knew me inside & out & he knew how to deal with a female like me. He wore the crown. Mutual actions & love for each other at the same time. Travel meant nothing but more time for us. Family loves me & I love them. Sitting in at that wedding, I thought about us, just as Mom & little Sis did & we laughed about it. We were poets inside our own Hollywood Divorce. He shared my world. We beat the distance. Competitive & the right amount of aggression, we knew how to give each other space. Gave all of ourselves, made home, home. Conquered issues most couldn’t from previous relationships. We could pray together & await a world greater for ourselves & he helped me emotionally even when he couldn’t be. Everyone awaited our wedding. Our friends were in a close knit family even before He & I began. We fit together like the last 2 pieces of loves 50,000 puzzle. But our communication fell silent out of anger when it needed to scream loudly. I was so mad, he didn’t get a shot for a 2nd chance he deserved. Outkasts. I finally started to forgive myself. We’re still family & friends.

 

He was video games, guitar playing, Mr. High off life & herbs. Never spoke in class but watched silently all year long. Mutual unspoken words & coolness & that could have been all. Text messages & facebook conversations. Was younger than me, and in the end, that’s exactly how he acted. But he was the cool that I needed at the time. Gave him all I could give essentially. Written poetry & Painted pictures of Rastafarian hearts across the canvas. Had my entire heart wide open & in the end, shattered it like the broken urn of my heartbeats ashes. Mixed communication from the start of what was not Love to him, even though he said it, but lied and it was only Lust. Same with the girl who still had his heart. Sublime. Took a long time, but I think I forgave him. We’re still friends.

 

He was a lying immature man….. But I was open. Goofball & fun with all the same crowd of friends. Giving 2nd chances more than twice called for. We, me & his brother went way back, but not that far. Just cool kids enjoying life. I could’ve never been his wife but we were two cool ass “more than friends”. And more than friends, he got too close to his other friends. I pushed myself from his cheating ass. But he kept coming back with broken promises that taught me not to trust. Kept apologizing & asking if he could do more. To give me more communication & make up for the pain. The final answer. NO. He helped me set that standard. Never forgiven. We’re not friends.

 

SHE was beauty, brains, body, elegance, & intelligence. African Queen like me, & she was…. A sight to see. Campus events & a shy way to catch my eye, but indeed she did as she put my number in her pink phone, If I can remember correctly. We emailed poetry back & forth & she captivated me with her French words & the way she could moved. Lips like mine & the kisses were sweet. A bit of jealousy with My bff who I already called Wifey because she wanted the title. But she did become my woman sure enough as soon as I was willing to love her that much.. And she too held a huge secret from me for a few months that I hadn’t seen her & it angered me much. A beautiful belly engulfed a beautiful baby girl I wanted to protect as my own. Then a proposal in front of me that made my heart sink. She’s had her beautiful ways of silently hurting me inside. After some trying times, she was forgiven. Communication steady at times. Our bond stronger & we share a small, yet strong collective of family. She will always be my friend.

 

This man was the growth I needed. Mr. I’m a grown ass man & I can show you how a WOMAN is supposed to be treated. He was the “this time is the last time” mentality. Sexy, baldhead, motorcycle riding, father & friend. Sweet hearted. Great friend to everyone. More than 10 years older than me & much more stable with his own life. As I was getting my own life on a great track. He supported me without giving too much leadway. Afternoon joy rides turned into late night of talking & falling asleep on each others shoulder. He knew what he was ready for & we respected our personal lives. “Treat each other the way you want to be treated” & we did just that. We had a lil Love Jones for each other & some people could see it. Routine down. The brothers joked around but protected me about age differences but saw what comfort we had. It was just that, too comfortable. We just mutually went our separate ways with a bit of pain to show for it. Communication was great, now not at all. We started as friends, ended the same way.

 

He was smooth with his words. Tall & handsome but he was NOT dark. Tried for something ‘different”. Made all the right moves. Said he’d do anything for me, & he did. We had fun & talked some. Lived far but he could find me by just looking at the stars. Though between those stars, were his dark secrets. Things I wasn’t prepared for when we got closer. Play fighting turned into real fights & emotional clashes. Mental issues I could not help him solve. I tried my best to support him but couldn’t help him, could only protect me from the madness inside his mind & my own tragedies. His family was cool though. No warnings to anyone about the guy he really was. No money, no love, no feelings, could hide that disrespect from anger in a fight, that his communication chose, to call me a Bitch. I left everything & was Gone. For a second we were, but who knows if we’re still friends.

 

He was Mr. Baltimore, Pisces to my Pisces. King Neptune to me, Aphrodite. The musician to my poetry & his lyrics complimented me & I supported him. Could have been the one cause his heart & everything was the same as mine. Never see each other but spiritually felt the physical emotions we had. He was the tattooed, Yin to my Yang & no one from our circles needed to know, but most of his family knew. We had us, wrapped tight for safe keeping. He knew my spirit and my heart. Same struggles, moving, troubles & deceit from the outside world. We inspired & encouraged each other to do & be better in life & our crafts. I would give as he gave. But distance never brought us close. We could never be or give all of ourselves. Communication fell short & ceased within impatient urges to be together created anger. Never really had a chance like we thought. He’s still MY friend.

 

He was some kind of a thug. He had a heart though after I got to know him. He chose wisely & made right decisions on his own time. Never cared about his flaws. We hung out, laughed, got high & listened to music. Enjoyed life for what it was, got crazy & sometimes we argued like idiots. He loved my attitude & knew how to fight back with aggression. He enjoyed how I expressed myself through poetry, still to this day. Was never into extravagant things & just lived life as he wanted. I had a different kinda cool ass love for him. I was his ride-or-die & He had his way of words with me…. Same way he did with another Baltimore girl. He thought his words would keep a sista around but trust was gone after his own broken promises & excuses. He wasn’t ready, though he said he was & had 2 chicks set in his spider web & we had to confront him. I fought my way out. He was forgiven. He’s still a supporter. Communication cool cause he’s a sweetheart when he can be & we still talk shit to each other & have great conversations about life that is now. We’re still family & friends.

 

She is Mrs. Ready to Love. Always ready to love and live. Mrs. Willing to try anything once But never settling to have to change for someone not willing to love or give love back to her at the same time. She was once a broken female just ready to give love to whomever would tolerate it. But she’s learned what tolerating can get her. We talk daily & compare what good life could have been if we loved ourselves first. Aggressive in her pursuit of happiness, hoping that being happy alone is not the only way. Empty heart, broken promises, shattered dreams, hurtful lies, untold future, painful truths & a yearning to give back the love she openly gave to most. But she never regrets the choices she made. Always tried to make the next her last but forgetting that last doesn’t always end the same. And last doesn’t make the end a 1st place prize to be received. She is a Queen who knows her worth & shouldn’t be hurt in any relationship because she loves hard. But knowing hard is no enough to love because she still gets hurt by those she give her heart to. Now she asks herself, what is love & how much of it is real. She doesn’t believe is “actions speak louder than words” anymore because if actions speak truth but words hold lies, there is still no trust to account for either to work together. She is, a woman standing on the unsteady edge of love & life & what will make her happy when no one else, internally could. Our communication is very silent & I still talk to her in my mind. My only true friend.

 

He was looked at as Mr. Right. Supposed to be & hoped for. He was a good man that never showed me his flaws. He was a slick talker, “let us be friends & maybe something more one day because I like to flirt”. I did see the appearance of someone just like me.. Poetically inclined, musically tuned & certainly fine. “07” took 5 years & then there we were. Finally! Last one I said I would ever give a ring to because I’m done looking for love & being hurt or wrong. But you can’t predict the future. Ladies man with a lot about US hidden. Mr. Social butterfly in the limelight, when the opposite of me wants quiet & most times he cant understand that. Wandering ways, always wanting to do for others but I had to open his eyes for the good of himself. Things started off “too good to be true”. I thought they did but TIME painted the bigger picture. I gave all of me when I knew & felt it was right. He took all of me & I had to wait so he could pilot his own “let me be prepared for love” flight. Its hard to forgive possible Mr. Right when he didn’t see me as Mrs. Right when the time was right. And yet, as much as it kills me, I let him have his way & we fight over Anything & Everything without compromise cause I loved him so hard. But he wasn’t ready. That hurts the most. Communication sucks & I yet still love him, still linger in my thoughts of “what now & what will be”…

Now he’s flying south of the border where he’ll be comfortable & I’m steady North on my “Space-intoxicated, always alone, waiting & wanting to be loved & in love the right way at the right time kind of life.”  What are the chances…. Of our relationship he once called “friends”….

The Circle Continues.

Hallucinations

09/07/2011 11:15am

I’ve always saw you at the bar of my imagination.
Tending to the outgoing customers of my dreams.
Pouring shots of love into glasses covered with sugary, sweet kisses.

Dressed to impress had been the plan, displayed with full preparation.
Engaged in first sight, holding back screams.
Having visions of touch come true, defeating previous mirages.

What I feel, can now be seen.
What was dreamt, has been brought to life.
When once, closing eyes meant touching the future of a life not lived.
We surpass the goals of moments imagined to spend with each other.

A freed feeling of being high amongst the clouds of an inhaled adventure.
Trips are taken to explore the realms of a future world.
A futuristic life of 2.

Sharing the emotions of “high on life” bonds chemically fulfilled within them.
It is a Natural Love substance that intoxicates every emotion.
Holding the handcuffs with narcotics I can’t claim innocence from.

There is indeed a world of the unknown.
Unaware of the power within two spirits, the dosages we intake have created a love bound spell.
Potions of an undying love forming together as one heart with timeless beats.

We are chosen, have chose the poisons that intertwine as the powerful test of ecstatic, emotional effervescence.
We engulf ourselves in our own Romeo & Juliet drug of never ending love.
Where deep passion lies within the kisses that are breathtaking.

We take each others minds & inject pieces of our souls to form the missing parts of previous life.

Preparing the weak, tingling feelings of what penetrating beyond the skin can do.
Becoming addicted to the intervention services of a hearts’ truest form of dependency.

We share, life’s last impressions of what futures hold,
Love…………
Without rehab.
Beyond the hallucinations of the dying world.

~QSS

Most of the Artwork from Art De’ Vol!

Check out the album & captions. Anything that you see that you may be interested in…contact me personally so we can set something up.

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Enlightment

Today was beyond a battle between my mind and my heart. No clear vision or alignment! A voyage that wasnt setting sail towards the horizon. A mission built some peace in relation of speaking knowledge to my Brother Star. Many quotations gathered reasoning and acknowledgement for teachings built within oneself. If life were a bowl of sand, which grain do you piece to life to make different be your difference amongst the rest?!?

Brother’s Peace:

  • “All things in life are given to us by a Higher power. Our gifts and missions set on Earth for us are blessings.”
  • Sometimes a walk outside can change your outlook on life.
  • “My mind hasnt completely been there. Just have to breathe in this air and exhale life.”
  • “I remember as a child, looking out the window, and saying something I spoke to God. Yet till this day, I cant remember what i said but I still have revelations from God telling me that whatever I am set here for, will be done & those things that I said, will be lived.”

My Self taught peace:

  • ” If you can discipline your diet, you can completely discipline most things in your life!”
  • ” Sometimes we have to get out to find ourselves.”
  • ” When people ask me what I wanted to be as a child, I always said i wanted to be a doctor. Finally til this day, I understand what being a doctor means. It doesnt have to be a actually doctor, but someone that is a healer. A mentor and teacher that helps and heals minds and souls. I never even wanted to go to medical school or even get a license of that sort, but a doctor to me simply means “healing the world”.
  • ” I am a doctor of all sorts. Without touching hands, my hands touch hearts.”
  • ” Everyday we have to make missions to improve ourselves.”
  • Complicated work makes for a complicated attitude! BE COOL!

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